To Be Loved

There were so many days in my life that I spent alone. Even when there was someone in the house I felt utterly and hopelessly alone. I wanted companionship, friendship, that undying love…I wanted to feel loved, be loved.

It took many years of heartache and winding roads to come to the realization that what I was looking for, what I wanted, what I thought I needed, my then spouse couldn’t fulfill. I turned to Jesus….where I should have been looking all along, and found everything I had been looking for, He offered. He loved me truly, without condition, wholy and completely. All my failures, He saw. All my weaknesses, He saw. All my heartaches, He saw. All my sins, He forgave. He knew what a wretched mess I was, and yet He loved me still. He knew of every nasty, horrible, despicable error in my life, and he loved me still.

You see, love is a choice. Jesus chose to love me through it all. Jesus chose to pour out His love for me. Feelings are fleeting, they change, and they are a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Could you imagine if He loved us based on feelings?

There are so many times when we don’t feel like loving, but if we are to love as Jesus loves, we choose to love. We choose to love when it’s hard. We choose to love when we are irritated. We choose to love even when we don’t feel loved in return. So many people get married based on the feeling of love, not realizing that love is truly an action. Love is work. And truthfully, many people don’t like work. That is why so many times in a marriage, there is one who sees love as an action and one who sees it as a feeling. One is actively walking in love while the other is floating on feelings.

It took me over a decade to really understand this. It took failure and pain, and tears. It took me learning to love myself. I have read this quote from C.S. Lewis about love many times, “It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. ”

We live in a fallen world, we are a fallen people….yet we have the most magnificent Teacher, who repeatedly shows us every day what it means to be loved.

EverLeave

I heard a song just a few days ago that sent my mind spinning and my eyes pouring tears. So many emotions that I kept bottled up for so so long came rushing towards me like a raging river, and there was no escape from them, nowhere to hide.

Divorce isn’t easy. But living in a situation where your happiness is squashed, where you aren’t seen, where there is no effort given, where your needs, your wants, your desires are only fleeting thoughts, isn’t easy. Pouring yourself out to empty day after day isn’t easy. Watching your dreams wither and die isn’t easy.

The line in the song that made me stop and hold my breath: “Standing at the kitchen sink
I wonder if you’ll ask about my day,
I’m washing off your dinner plate,
And all I see is a decade down the drain. ” Simple, right? Something as simple as asking about your spouses day can make all the difference in the world.

When you wake up one morning and look back over the years of your life and realize you had quit living for yourself, that you were living for them, and that all the years of putting their happiness first had gotten you only to the point of despair. That isn’t easy. When love isn’t enough, that isn’t easy.

You can lose yourself in someone else. Forget how to be the person that God made you to be. Shrink to an unidentifiable shell of who you used to be. But the moment that realization hits you, the moment that you can’t take anymore, the moment that you decide to find the woman that has been hidden for so long, there will be a reckoning– and it won’t be easy.

I never thought I’d ever leave. He never thought I’d ever leave. It wasn’t easy. Some days still aren’t easy. It has been almost a year since the day I left, and only recently have I felt the weight of it bearing down on me. Only recently have I cried. Only recently have I felt anger dwelling inside of me. How did it take me so long to think of myself? How did it take me so long to leave?

The Box

I read something a few days ago that has stuck with…. I can’t remember where I read it, but the words are what are important. “Stepping outside of your comfort zone can be scary, hard, even terrifying, but it can also be beautiful, enlightening, and the one thing that catapults you to your most terrific endeavor. Boxing yourself in only holds you back from all of the experiences you were meant to live. ”

When things have been a certain way for so long, it can be hard to see the present or the future without bits of the past sneaking up. Trying new things, no matter how small, can be terrifying. The fact that your self-esteem has been shot for so long, holds you back. Doubt creeps in. You want to do what you know, stay in your comfort zone. So many days it is like that for me. I want to jump back into my box. It’s the easy thing to do. But that box can be so dark, so lonely, and so hard to get out of once you get back in.

Life outside of that box means living in the moment. It means taking steps to becoming yourself. It means believing in yourself. It means feeling the love you are given. It means truly knowing that you are loved. It means working towards your dreams. It means having a voice. It means beautiful experiences with beautiful people. It means not letting your past dictate your future. At least, that is what it means for me.

It’s not easy starting over. It’s not easy reconditioning yourself. Change is never easy, but it is necessary. It is necessary if you want to live outside of the box. I have a lot of work to do, and there are many things I still need to work on every single day. Sometimes I may need a push, a hard push out of my comfort zone….Thankfully, I have people in my life who push me, who help me, and who won’t allow me to hide inside of that box any longer. With each passing day, even with setbacks and steps backward, there are leaps forward, hills jumped, and mountains climbed.

A Hearts Tune

The heart sees what no eyes can see. The heart feels what no hands can feel. The heart hears what no ears can hear.

Let it lead where your feet are afraid to go…. Let it guide you, Let it teach you, Let it remind you, Let it lead you down that road you have been afraid of for so long….the road to yourself, the road to healing, the road that’s been calling and whispering your name.

Open it up, Take the step, Listen and see and feel, Let it all in, And dance to the tune of your heart.

Arms Wide Open

Do you ever feel like you are running in the opposite direction of the way you meant to go? I do. Instead of running into God’s arms, I feel like I am running away from Him. Instead of running to peace, I run to chaos, instead of the eternal I run towards earthly satisfactions.

To be honest my prayer life hasn’t been what it should be recently…but I was pouring out my heart…and tears to my loving, forgiving Father this morning…and He spoke so clearly to my aching heart. He whispered in a soothing voice that no matter how far in the other direction I run, He will always be waiting for me when I return…when I come to the end of myself and realize that He is what I need, that He is what I am searching for, that only He can heal my brokenness.

“It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” – Deuteronomy 31:6-8. He told me over and over this morning, that He would never leave me, He would never forsake me, and that He would hold on to me…even when I let go, even when I was running in the other direction, even when I don’t feel that I deserve it…

With arms wide open, He is waiting….

A Mother’s Heart

Over the last few days I have felt a sense of sadness, just underneath the surface…. At first I wasn’t sure what it was, over this last year my emotions can range from one end of the spectrum to the the next. But here it is, that little feeling that can eat at you if you let it…or you feel it, acknowledge it, pray about it, and then let it go.

You see yesterday was 18 years that my momma has been gone from this earth, 18 years that I haven’t heard her voice, or felt her touch. That woman was such a sweet woman and as tiny as she was, her heart was bigger than any other I have ever known. One thing about my momma….she absolutely loved and adored children. If she had been able, our home would have been full of them…and in reality it was, growing up our house was always full of children.

Yesterday I made quite a few bracelets for little girls. As I held the little bracelets in my hand I had a rush of emotions. I smiled as it brought memories of my momma and how she loved children. I smiled as I thought of my nieces and how I love them. I cried…I cried for a dream that has never come to be. I picked out the name for my little girl that I would some day have, Thea Marie, when I was 12 years old. I will soon be 39 and that little girl is only in my dreams. A little girl that I will never hold, buy pretty dresses for, play dress up with, or smother in hugs and kisses. She lives in my dreams….

God has used this past year to show me so many things. He taught me about peace, He taught me about purpose, and He taught me about holding on and letting go. When that feeling of loss, of sadness comes for the child that never was, I can feel it and acknowledge it…then let it go.

My mother lives in me…and I though I do not have a child of my own, I do have a mother’s heart. As I hold these little bracelets in my hand, I feel a bit of sadness but more than that I feel a sense of peace. I can express the love I have in this heart of mine through my jewelry, it is a piece of my heart and a piece of my mom’s that I can share. The joy I feel knowing God will let my dreams live on is unexplainable ❤

Selfies and Cancer

I have never been one to take a lot of selfies. I am not a vain person. I have always thought myself to be quite average. Before my cancer diagnosis the only pictures I took or posted to social media were of my cats, my nieces and nephews, or pictures of my husband and me together. As I was looking through my picture gallery the other night, rearranging pictures for my jewelry company, I noticed there seemed to be a lot of pictures of myself, starting right after my diagnosis. I slowly looked at each picture, really looked at the woman looking back at me in those pictures….and I saw me.

Well of course it was me in the pictures, I am the one who took all of the selfies. What I mean is I really saw me…. I saw the fear, the pain, the uncertainty, the fatigue and sickness, the happiness, the love, the good, the bad, the person I want to be and the things I want to do, and I saw a sparkle. My eyes sparkle in just about every picture I have taken, no matter how I was feeling that day. The cancer took my hair and it changed a lot of physical attributes of my body but it did not take the sparkle from my eyes.

I think I started taking selfies unconsciously, wanting to have a record of my journey. To be able to see the changes, to help myself “get back” to the “old” me. You know…I have a wig. I thought having a wig would make me feel more like “me”. I wore it for about 30 minutes, finding it uncomfortable I took it off and never put it back on. That wig, this hair, this physical body does not make me who I am, and honestly I don’t want to go back to the old me, the me before the diagnosis. I have learned so much about myself, about life, about God, and about others. I have changed, both physically and mentally. I will smile on the hard days and I will sparkle.

Every selfie I take reminds me that I am still here. Every selfie has a story. Every selfie has a meaning and reminds me that cancer did not take my sparkle.

• 

• 

Praise in the hard things

I thought I would journal my journey through breast cancer but I didn’t….most days I just couldn’t have because of the physical fatigue and sometimes the mental fatigue as well. But I learned so much, am learning so much, about myself and about God. To say this was one of the hardest times in my life is an understatement…but as crazy as it sounds it has been one of the most revealing and spiritual times in my life.

I don’t pray long detailed prayers everyday, some days it’s just “thank you God ” or “help me God”, or the last few weeks its been tears that I know He reads when I can’t even get the words out of me. But on most occasions and especially through this journey my prayers start with “thank you “. I thank Him for being with me, for holding my hand through all of this, for the people He put in my life, for His grace and mercy and love, His forgiveness, for the breath I am breathing, for the job I have for the family I have, for that when I don’t know what to pray, for when I’m scared and angry and upset, He just holds me. And you know what, I don’t thank Him enough. This hard thing has reminded me to be thankful for the simple things. Praising Him in the middle of hard things may seem a little difficult and can be. But praising Him for who He is, what He has already done, and what He will do through this hard thing makes your eyes open to what a relationship with Him is about.

This hard thing, this cancer, these tears I’ve cried, and pain I have felt…He will use it for good. With every breath I breathe I will praise Him for what He has done and what He will do.

I have cancer. Cancer does not have me.

• 

So far in this journey I have found three of the most important things to have are: God, loved ones, and a positive attitude.

Last week as I left the doctors office I couldn’t help letting the tears fall, I just couldn’t keep them back anymore. Sometimes you just have to let the emotions out. But I refuse to let myself harp on the bad of this when there is so much good all around me. I have felt and seen God in a way I never have before. I have seen myself in a whole new light.

I have cancer, it does not have me. I believe that every single day God is walking right beside me, pointing out the sunshine in the rain. I still have a long ways to go but I will remain positive and will kick cancers butt 🙂

He ran to his son…

God laid on my heart the story of the prodigal son or the lost son. The son took his inheritance early, left his father, squandered all the money in wild living, then ended up with nothing. And I mean nothing, he was in the sloth cages with the pigs, ready to eat their food. He finally came to his senses and decided to go home, not home to be his father’s son but his servant. After all he had done, he felt unworthy to be anything but a servant and he was not sure if his father would forgive him.

Oh but a father’s love 💘. Luke 15:20 says, “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him”. His father welcomed him home just like that, no questions asked. Isn’t that what God does for us. For me personally I cannot count the times He has welcomed me with open arms. We go astray and He is standing there waiting for us. And when we come back He RUNS to us and holds us and comforts us.

Since COVID I had gotten really complacent. I would watch Sunday school services on Facebook here and there, a few church services here and there, picked up my Bible a few times, prayed very little. I let my relationship with Jesus fall by the waist side, put it on the back burner. But let me tell you about my Jesus. On June 15th I was diagnosed with breast cancer. That week was a whirlwind and the scariest week of my life. I knew I couldn’t do this on my own. I cried out to Jesus and He was standing right there, arms opened wide. Since that moment the peace I have felt has been unbelievable. Yes there are moments when my emotions get the best of me but I don’t dwell there for Jesus is my comforter.

He runs after us…His arms are open and ready to hold us…to forgive us…to love us. No matter what we do or how long we stay away, He is right there waiting for us.